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When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: ”Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: ”Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
- To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
- To stamp out burning ducks

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: ”That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: ”That's it.”

The 2008 Presidential Candidates
We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election.
On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.
On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship.
Is there a contest here?

Walmart is now rationing sales of rice to consumers. They aren't being very clear as to why, but suspicions are that they need it to make payroll.