Fool's Joy: all the fun in one place! http://www.foolsjoy.com/ ru Fool's Joy: all the fun in one place! DataLife Engine Politics Explained http://www.foolsjoy.com/humor/209-politics-explained.html http://www.foolsjoy.com/humor/209-politics-explained.html A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”
 
Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,”
 
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
 
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.” The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”
]]> admin Fri, 16 May 2008 01:01:50 -0500 Work Quotes http://www.foolsjoy.com/humor/194-work-quotes.html http://www.foolsjoy.com/humor/194-work-quotes.html The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
Robert Frost
 
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse
Dennis Miller
 
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Edgar Bergen
 
Doing nothing is very hard to do…you never know when you’re finished.
Leslie Nielsen
 
The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you’re on the job.
Slappy White
 
I only go to work on days that don’t end in a ‘y’.
Robert Paul
 
It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
Muhammad Ali
 
A good rule of thumb is if you’ve made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you’ve made a serious vocational error.
Dennis Miller
 

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
Jerome K Jerome

]]> admin Mon, 12 May 2008 09:56:43 -0500 Afternoon Quickie http://www.foolsjoy.com/humor/178-afternoon-quickie.html http://www.foolsjoy.com/humor/178-afternoon-quickie.html Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said.

“An ambulance just drove by.”

“Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out.

“Matt’s riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie.”

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father asked.

“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied

]]> admin Wed, 07 May 2008 14:29:45 -0500 Daily Jokes http://www.foolsjoy.com/humor/168-daily-jokes.html http://www.foolsjoy.com/humor/168-daily-jokes.html Bar Story
This guy goes to a bar that’s on the tenth floor of a hotel. He sits down and has a couple of drinks, then stands up, announces loudly that he has had enough, and goes over and jumps out the window. Now, there are two men who are sitting at a window table, and having that natural human curiosity about the grotesque, watch as this man plummets to certain death.

However, just as he is about to hit the ground, he rights himself, pulls his feet underneath himself, and lands gracefully. He then turns and comes back into the building. Naturally, the two men are amazed. The guy comes back into the bar, orders a few drinks, then repeats the process. The two men at the window seat are astounded! When the guy returns and repeats the procedure AGAIN, the two men stop him before he jumps and ask him how on earth he does that. He replies “It’s simple, really. There’s an air vent down by the ground, and if you catch the updraft, you can right yourself and land on the ground with no problems.”
 
Then he proceeded to jump out the window again. Well, these two men decided that they just HAD to try this, so they jumped out the window, and SPLAT! — made a mess hitting all over the ground.
Meanwhile, the first guy has made it back up to the bar. When he sits down to order his drinks, the bartender says “Superman, you can be a real ——- when you’re drunk!”
 
Customer Support Log
Actual dialog of a former Customer Support employee:
 
Support: “Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?”
Customer: “Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
Support: “What sort of trouble?”
Customer: “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”,
Support: “Went away?”
Customer:”They disappeared.”
Support: “Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
Customer: “Nothing.”
Support: “Nothing?”
Customer: “It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
Support: “Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
Customer: “How do I tell?”
Support: “Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”
Customer: “What’s a sea-prompt?”
Support: “Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”
Customer: “There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
Support: “Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
Customer: “What’s a monitor?”
Support: “It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”
Customer: “I don’t know.”
Support: “Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”
Customer: ……”Yes, I think so.”
Support: “Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
Customer: ……”Yes, it is.”
Support: “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
Customer: “No.”
Support: “Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
Customer: ……”Okay, here it is.”
Support: “Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
Customer: “I can’t reach.”
Support: “Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
Customer: “No.”
Support: “Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
Customer:”Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle-it’s because it’s dark.”
Support: “Dark?
Customer: “Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
Support: “Well, turn on the office light then.”
Customer:”I can’t.”
Support: “No? Why not?”
Customer: “Because there’s a power outage.”
Support: “A power… A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
Customer: “Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
Support: “Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
Customer: “Really? Is it that bad?”
Support: “Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
Customer: “Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
Support: “Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”
 
]]> admin Tue, 06 May 2008 21:53:04 -0500 Woman Element Data Sheet http://www.foolsjoy.com/funny/166-woman-element-data-sheet.html http://www.foolsjoy.com/funny/166-woman-element-data-sheet.html
One of the most hazardous materials found on Earth. Men, be careful, this element may cause serious damage.
 
]]> admin Tue, 06 May 2008 21:25:41 -0500 Daily Jokes http://www.foolsjoy.com/humor/156-daily-jokes.html http://www.foolsjoy.com/humor/156-daily-jokes.html When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.

 
This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: ”Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: ”Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....” 


Why do ducks have webbed feet?
 - To stamp out fires.
  Why do elephants have flat feet?
 - To stamp out burning ducks

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: ”That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: ”That's it.”
 

The 2008 Presidential Candidates
We in Denmark cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election.
On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.
On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship.
Is there a contest here?

 
Walmart is now rationing sales of rice to consumers. They aren't being very clear as to why, but suspicions are that they need it to make payroll.
 
]]> admin Mon, 05 May 2008 13:07:56 -0500 Wife Of Yesterday, Wife Of Today and Wife Of Future http://www.foolsjoy.com/funny/151-wife-of-future.html http://www.foolsjoy.com/funny/151-wife-of-future.html Wife Of Yesterday, Today and Future ]]> admin Fri, 02 May 2008 16:50:23 -0500 Daily Jokes http://www.foolsjoy.com/humor/147-daily-jokes.html http://www.foolsjoy.com/humor/147-daily-jokes.html New Jersey Hunters
 
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
 
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
 
The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
 
 
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson
 
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.  After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
 
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
 
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
 
“And what do you deduce from that?”
 
Watson ponders for a minute.  “Well,
 
 Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
 
 Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
 
 Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
 
 Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
 
 Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
 
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
 
Holmes is silent for a moment. 
 
“Watson, you idiot!” he says.  “Someone has stolen our tent!”
 
 
Kind Man
 
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
 
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
 
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.” 
]]> admin Fri, 02 May 2008 15:21:27 -0500 Investment Advice http://www.foolsjoy.com/humor/140-investment-advice.html http://www.foolsjoy.com/humor/140-investment-advice.html If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock some time ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
 
With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.
 
With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
 
If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.
 

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

]]> admin Thu, 01 May 2008 14:50:35 -0500 Weight Loss Plan (Joke) http://www.foolsjoy.com/humor/131-weight-loss-plan-joke.html http://www.foolsjoy.com/humor/131-weight-loss-plan-joke.html A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
 
The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
 
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
 
The sign reads, ”If you can catch me, you can have me.”
 
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
 
A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
 
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
 
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
 
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
 
The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.
 
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, ”If you catch me you can have me.”
 
Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot.
 
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.
 
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
 
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.
 
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
 
”Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone. ”This is our most rigorous program.”
 
”Absolutely,” he replies, ”I haven’t felt this good in years.”
 
The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, ”If I catch you, you are mine!!!”
 

He lost 63 pounds that week.

]]> admin Wed, 30 Apr 2008 17:53:56 -0500